The sun plays an important rol in my life here in the PyreneesThis is where I live without running water and electricity. When it is freezing cold and the sun appears, the sun is warmer than any coat. I wanted to experience what it would be like to live without the sun and the light. I decided to go into a cave for a some time and see how long I could bear it. I went to the Hermit, a cave in Tarascon sur Ariège. This cave has two enormous entrances which is in big contrast to the very tight openings in between the seven rooms where you have to slide on your belly to go from one room to the next.

Fifteen days I have been in darkness of which ten in this cave, where there were no sounds of the outer world. To make my life easy, I also stopped eating for twenty days. I will tell you the effect it had on my eyes. Every movement in the darkness went very slow and conscious. It was amazing to experience how quickly my fingers took the role of my eyes and always “hit” well. In the darkness my world became very small and at the same time without an end. Everything I needed was within reach. But if I started walking two meters I was totally lost and had difficulty to find my bed in this cave with natural uneven floors and walls. This made that I hardly moved. My respect for blind and old people grew. I experienced how important it is to keep moving even if you cannot see, because the mass of my muscles was decreasing quickly.

I was meditating a lot and singing mantra’s. I have had some clear visions of my own ego. Interesting! I was frustrated but could finally accept as well that I could not get my thoughts totally quiet. In the darkness I constantly saw a red colour when my eyes where opened or closed. This seems to me the same colour I have seen when I was in the womb of my mother. This red light was not outside of me so it must be from within. Twice I looked over my shoulder, because I saw a white light appearing behind me. As if there was a car coming. There was nothing there. Was this light my own?

I expected my rhythm of day and night to be distorted, but that didn’t happen. I could still experience the night because the bats  would come to life and because of the cold of the night which entered my room in the cave. Because of this cold, it was autumn, I wanted to leave the cave after ten days. I was blindfolded to extend the period of darkness. With the help of two friends I was guided down the mountain. I heard the birds singing, the wind blowing through the leaves. The cars in the far distance sounded like racing cars on a circuit. What a hell of a noise.

Five days later, after fifteen days without seeing, I started to see again. The colours of nature and the clarity of the shapes were overwhelming. I could see everything up close as well as in the far distance very sharply and in full colour. It seemed I could perceive more in the same moment than ever before and at the same time I felt I was more focussed. The far distance was too intense. For this reason I looked down for two days to minimize the impressions. Because I could see again I could move again. I noticed that I had a better balance with my eyes closed than opened. I was wobbly en felt that my muscletone had decreased big time. It was like I got rid of the plaster and needed to learn to walk again. I liked to make short walks. Soon my strength started to come back.

Again after five days, after twenty days without eating and only drinking water, I slowly started to eat. I lost eleven kilo’s. The tomatoes and edible flowers from my own garden, the rosebuds, all was delicious and tasted so sweet. I promised myself that only the best food and food prepared with love were good enough for me.

The most remarkable thing I experienced in the cave was that I felt that I became totally peaceful in darkness. I now understand Nelson Mandela and the important function of isolation cells in prisons and in convents. I was asking myself why don‘t we ask our world leaders to experience, for example, forty days in darkness before being in charge of an army. In this way they may become peaceful and work out a lot of ego issues.